Author: Inferno <sure>     Reply to Message
Date: 9/1/2016 10:17:29 PM
Subject: My Battlefield 1 OPEN beta experience

So, the day before I heard Battlefield 1 is out on open beta.

"Yay!" I said to myself, and within a few hours it all came crumbling down. Let me explain....

I waited patiently for work to finish, went home, searched "download battlefield beta", and was directed to Origin. "Shit!" I mumble to myself. "Please Jebus, don't let it be."

I went back on my computer, remembering I had a history with this pile of garbage-software. Origin is what abortions are picturing when they know what's being done to them.

I go to Start - Search - then type "Origin". One of the only hits is a folder on my Z drive called "Fuckin Origin". - "Yes, it all comes back now", I remark to myself.

Reluctantly I double-click on the exe file and.....nothing happens. A DOS window opens briefly for a tenth of a second, seemingly to flash me a quick "Fuck You!". And then it's gone. After searching some more, clicking on other shit, I just said "No, Fuuuuck Youuu Origin!!" and fully uninstall the piece of shit. I go back to download a new installation into the same "Fuckin Origin" folder, where the AIDS-infested software belongs.

It finally loads. It asks for my credentials. I spend 15 minutes going over many permutations of emails and passwords. After the 15 min. are up I get really frustrated and hit the goddamn "Forgot password" link. Enter email. Wait another 15 min with no email in my inbox. Do the same for 3 of my other emails. Another 15-30 min. goes by, nothing in any of the three inboxes. Rage building to unheard of, kathleen wynne territory, level (reference for the canuck ontarians).

I almost give up, when I try just one more email/pw combo. Finally!!! Success!!! I'm inside the piece of shit software, and I feel like I just penetrated an exotic new hooker....and the condom just broke!

Memories of horrible and painful moments came flooding back, I mean as the EA titles are displayed on the main page. When my eyes fell on sim city I almost smashed the screen, in a Hulk-like super rage! That launch day.....motherfu$%$^$*!

Anyway, reluctantly, and against better judgement, I typed "Battlefield 1 beta" in the search and clicked the install link.

During my download, I felt Rogers Cable undress me through the fiber optics line, and lubing my asshole for another prison type rape. Luckily a well-timed distraction proved crucial in removing me from this medium for a portion of time. By the time I returned, the game was ready to go. Let's see what happened next. Ready to play?

I click start, expecting the video card to crash with an error telling me to go fuck myself harder than I've been so far. Surprisingly, it didn't, and the game loaded up nicely.

Spent another 30 min watching the tutorial videos, otherwise you're just fresh meat in a prison hole with no guards or cameras around. Turns out the videos were helpful enough to turn you from confused pussy to screaming pussy. It didn't stop the rapes, but at least you now had an understanding of Why and How you were raped.

First game I joined, I was given no weapons. It felt like the game dropped you in the middle of 63 players and gave you the finger, while remarking "You stupid shit, what the fuck you gonna do now?". I ran two steps before a horse flattened me under its hooves. I couldn't help but notice in the replay the guy on the horse had a huge bazooka. "EA staff, no doubt" I quickly nodded to myself. Respawn also forgot to give me any guns, nor the ability to punch or melee. It's like they expected me to face the enemy unarmed and drop my pants, hoping the ridiculously undersized penis would make them fall off their horses laughing.

I said "Fuck you, EA!" and disconnected in disgust. "Only my wife can laugh at my penis, not you, fuckers!". I quickly joined another server. Spawned again, weapon-less. Chat log is flooded with children crying about their lack of weapons (and penis). Instead of blaming their awkward puberty, like me, they all seemed to scream "Buuuug!" and type it, over and over.

Close to two hours have now passed, and my Battlefield 1 excitement was slightly higher than watching drifters tonging my nipples, while grunting provocatively.

The now third server I joined finally gave me some weapons for my class. One was a sniper rifle that seemed to shoot backwards, and another was a pistol, that qualified as a super-soaker at a 5 yr old's birthday party. An enemy rushed me from a few feet away, and the melee riding crop that I attempted to pull out, only signaled to him that he was about to murder a male cheerleader that was attempting to spell "GOOOO EA!!", with a shitty riding crop, in the middle of a war-torn desert.

That ended my experience with Battlefield 1, and hopefully with EA and Origin. The Fuck to all yous' three!

Inferno goes back to Overwatch.
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