Ask A Man Who's Jowl-Deep In Phyllis Diller's Pussy
By A Man Who's Jowl-Deep In Phyllis Diller's Pussy
September 14, 2005 | Issue 41•37
Dear Man Who's Jowl-Deep In Phyllis Diller's Pussy,
I'm single mother of two in my mid-30s. I'm busy working and raising two teenagers, but I still make time for what I consider very important: family activities. Lately, however, my son and daughter seem to prefer going off by themselves to spending time together. Worse, when I insist on quality time, they resent it... and me. How do I cope with this "generation gap"? I thought you'd understand, because you are jowl-deep in Phyllis Diller's pussy.
—Fed-Up in Frisco
Dear Fed-Up in Frisco,
Mmmph, mmph, mmmmmph... MMPH! (gasp) MMPH! Mm-mmm-rrrrrr-nnnnn-mmmm-rrrumph oompth mmph rrrmmm-nnnn-OOF! (pant, pant!) OOF! Urrrrrgggghhh-gggrrgle oompth-mmph! MMMPH! MMMPTH! Brrr-oooooo-nnnn-yowww-rrrrrummmm-nummm.... Nnnnnph! NNNPH! NNNNNNNNPH! Oh God... MMMMMMMPH! (gasp!) (pant, pant, pant...) (gurgle!) MMMPH!
Dear Man Who's Jowl-Deep In Phyllis Diller's Pussy,
My husband "Hugh" and I have been active participants in our church for decades, and have traditionally been very involved with our community of fellow congregants. But Hugh doesn't see eye-to-eye with our new pastor, who has initiated many new policies for the church. Hugh feels we should consider finding a new church with a more traditional approach to Sunday worship. I feel he is overreacting. Who's right? I know you can help me figure out what to do, as you are currently jowl-deep in the genitals of stand-up comedy legend Phyllis Diller.
—Conflicted in Connecticut
Dear Conflicted in Connecticut,
Urrrrrrrrrrrrrgh-ggrrrgggrrrgggle-ggrrrggg-mmmmmmph. MMMPH MMMPH MMMPH! Schlurp schlurp schlurrrrrgle schlurp MMMMPH! ACK! Aaaaaaaaaaa!!!
AAAAAA!!! GRRUUUUUUUUMMPH! Mm... nnnn... ooorrrrmmmm-hrrrrrrmph-ooooorrph.... (gag) GLURP! Glurrrrrrr-GLURP: glag glag glag glag (gasp) MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMPH!! MMMMMMMMMMMMPH!
Dear Man Who's Jowl-Deep In Phyllis Diller's Pussy,
This may seem trivial to a man who's busy orally satisfying Phyllis Diller, but it's become a real problem here in our household: My husband always demands to be in control of the TV remote! I don't usually mind if he wants to pick the shows himself, but why can't I have a chance every once in a while? What is with him? I'm a patient woman, but my tolerance for his remote-hogging behavior is going down—and I don't mean on Phyllis Diller!
—Anonymous in Anaheim
Dear Anonymous in Anaheim,
GURGLE! GULP! GASP! Mmmmmm-gloooof-flurggggle-flurh-MMMPH!) MMMMMMMMM mmmmmmmmph! MMMMMPH! Gmmmmmph! MMPH! MMMMMPH! Oooooooooooooooof! OOOOOOOOOOF! MMMMMMMMMPH! Gulp. Gulp. Gulp. (pant, pant) MMMMMMPH! Mmmmmm... mmmmmNNNRRRGGH! MMM-nnnrrmmmmllllurglr lurgle lurlgle lurg MMMMPPH! (gasp!) MMMNNNMM!!! NNNMMMNNN!! MMMMMPPPPPH... (desperately tries to breath through nose).
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMPPPH!
the onion.