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Excerpt:
"The Coming of Oorag
(not like that sicko!)
There once was a man named Oorag. Yes, he was 20 so he was a man, shut up. Anyway, this man Oorag was one of the most, nay THE most brutal and calculating member of a whole brood of brutal and calculating bastards known as “Those Guys Who Beat the Shit Out of Us” by the local populace. Well, The Guys’ numbers began to dwindle and some began to get fed up with the whole violence for violence’s sake dog and pony show. Oorag saw this, and was displeased. Many people were leaving The Guys to pursue acting careers, while others retired to small islands of insanity just east of the frontal lobe. Oorag was not content to live out the remainder of his days in tired re-runs or self-delusional fantasylands. He packed up his meager belongings (consisting of one incontinent flying pig, by name of Raul) and walked the earth. He traveled for many hours and crossing many streets. One time he saw a dog. That was pretty cool. Anyway, after awhile he began to grow weary. He needed a place to call home and none had presented itself to him as of yet.
Then the gates of Hell opened wide and spat forth a gobbet of evil.
A stranger bumped into Oorag and was knocked down. To the likes of Oorag, causing someone else to hurt themselves was the pinnacle of human achievement. Many minutes passed as Oorag pointed and laughed.
“Hey that’s not funny!” the large, grounded boy whined.
“Oh, you’re right, its not. I just spent five minutes laughing at the way you mixed plaids and stripes.”
The boy checked his clothing. “So? It’s funny shirt day. You got a problem with that?”
“Hold on let me check. Yes.” Oorag replied casually. He had faced many a terrible foe, and was a seasoned warrior. This boy might be entertaining, but no more than that.
“Well then, let the ass-whuppin’ commence!” the boy declared, adopting a satisfactorily dangerous looking pose.
“Come to papa,” Oorag sneered and
balanced himself on one toe, his body contorting into a whirlwind of offensive and defensive stances.
The boy was quite impressed. “Madre de Dios! Es El Pollo Diablo!” he uttered under his breath.
“For your ignorant words, I sentence you to death. However,” Oorag paused, “I will spare your kidneys if you tell me where to find a goat. I . . . um . . . need one. For . . . . things.”
“A what?”
“A goat. Or several. Yes, several would be better. Ahh yes...”
“Several what?”
“GOATS!”
“WHATS?”
“GOATS! GOATS, FOOLISH BOY! BAAA BAAAA! GOATS!!!”
“Oh no. We have got a Llama. Hey, nice pig by the way. Incontinent is he?”
“And how! Llama you say? Long neck? Nice and furry? Soft, but not too soft, eh? Hehe, hmm...” Oorag pondered the idea. He smiled.
“Yes.”
“Yes what?” the boy asked.
“Yes I will partake of your Llama.”
“Oh, you can’t just partake of the Llama! Our Llama is very special, certain traditions must be upheld to maintain the sanctity of the Llama.”
“It’s just a llama!”
“Its NOT just a llama.” The boy’s eyes burned dangerously. “Its a Barenaked Llama.”
“Madre de Dios! Es El Llama Desnudo!”
“Si.”
“Y por que tu- I mean, And why are you
telling me this? The Barenaked Llama is a being of unspeakable power.”
“Well, his power ain’t that great, but he is very tight-lipped about it. So far as I’ve seen his power lies mostly in his ability to lounge around completely bare-ass naked and get people to wait on him hand and hoof while hanging ‘unspeakable power’ over their heads at every moment.” The boy (who began to weary of this pronoun and named himself Elyas) then drifted off into the nether regions of his own psyche.
Oorag snapped. “Hey! Hey!”
Elyas snapped out of it. “Oh yeah, anyway, The Barenaked Llama is in constant danger! We need help! The sacred flag of Llamaland is a prized possession. At any moment a rogue band of hooligans may try to steal our sacred Llamaflag. We must stand ready to guard the flag with our very lives, which are dime a dozen really. We need your skills Oorag.”
“How did you know my name?”
“You told me.”
“When?”
“Um-”
“Hi Elyas, my name is Oorag.”
“Right then, see?”
“Oh yeah. Funny I didn’t remember that.”
“Anyway, will you and your pig join us to protect the Llama and his almighty Flag?”
“What?” Oorag was distracted by something warm and in a skirt walking nearby.
“Will you? Huh? Huh? Will you? Huh?”
“Fine, fine! Shuttup!”
“Whippee!”
And so Oorag was tricked most cunningly into joining the unholy ranks of the Barenaked Llama. In other words he is being punished for his youthful hooliganism with a fate worse then death. Be this a warning to those who Beat the Shit out of the local populace, and especially a warning to anyone who crosses paths with The Devil Child. Also known as Elyas, and in some places as Jimbo, the Funny Hat guy, but lets face it, you ‘d never be caught dead in those places.
Fin.
SOMEONE forgot to put it up someplace official in the BNL site so here it is as a reminder to put it right in front of that stupid story Elyas wrote so anyone llama enough to want to read his story will be spared the flagellation. Thus the llama is merciful."
Aftermath Part 1
Aftermath Part 2
Aftermath Part 3
Aftermath Part 4