In the classroom. GARRISON is drawing a big, complicated diagram on the blackboard.
GARRISON: So you see? This flowchart conclusively proves that the FBI is conspiring with the Cubans and the Pope to broadcast long-wave radio signals causing my hair loss and impotence. Any questions?
Every kid in the room raises their hand. GARRISON ignores them.
GARRISON: Good. I hate having to explain myself to you scruffy little brats. Next on the agenda, did everyone bring their item to place in the time capsule?
STAN: No, I think we all forgot.
CARTMAN: Mister Garrison, what's a...
GARRISON (interrupting him): What's a time capsule. You ignoramus! Everyone takes something from their lives and puts it in a box. Then we put all your parents' stuff into the box too, seal it, and open it in thirty years when I can blackmail you all with the contents.
CARTMAN: I was going to say, what's an item?
GARRISON takes a bottle of pills from his pocket, pops a handful, and washes it down with a slug of vodka from a bottle in his desk.
GARRISON: You little bastards are driving me to substance abuse!
PIP: I have my item, sir.
GARRISON: Thank God.
PIP: It's a thimble.
GARRISON: A thimble?
PIP: Oh yes, I'm quite the amateur thimbleologist. We can examine my thimble in thirty years and compare and contrast with the futuristic thimble technology we will have then.
CARTMAN: God damn, you suck Pip.
GARRISON: Does anyone else have theirs?
DIRTY KID (the one sitting in the front row of the class): I have a tumbleweed.
GARRISON: Wonderful. For our time capsule, we have one thimble and one tumbleweed. And your parents donated this.
He picks a package up from his desk and opens it. Inside there's a videotape.
GARRISON: Oh, it's a videotape. And there's a note. "Dear Children, we have made you a video to answer the questions you will have thirty years from now, such as Kenny McCormick's face under his hood, Cartman's true parentage, and the twisted secrets that are Chef's past. Hopefully when you
are all thirty-eight you will be able to handle the earthshaking answers and their incredible ramifications." Hmm, sounds interesting. Now children, gather round and watch the capsule be built.
Everyone gets up and crowds around GARRISON as he drops the thimble, tumbleweed, video and note into a box. He closes the box.
GARRISON: Now children, this capsule works by the honour system. I'm going to leave it under the steps, outside the school. I'm trusting you not to open it for thirty years.
CLYDE: What if we've moved out by then?
GARRISON: Ha. The don't call this town the "Death Pit with No Escape" for nothing.
CLYDE: Oh.
The bell rings. Everyone leaves.
CARTMAN's house. CARTMAN's taking all sorts of food out of the fridge and piling it on the counter as the other scamps sit on the counter by the sink and look on.
CARTMAN: Where's those deviled eggs?
He roots around in the fridge.
KYLE: How can you eat all that stuff? Look at this!
He looks through the pile of food.
KYLE: Canned doughnuts... Cheezy Chocolate... Mooky Loaf... Dandruff Bits... buttered margarine...
CARTMAN: I'll have you know that I'm a growing boy!
He takes everything on the counter and wads it up between two slices of bread.
KENNY: (How are you going to be able to swallow all this shit?)
CARTMAN ignores him, takes a bottle of chocolate syrup, and empties it all over his sandwich. The sandwich is half as tall as him by now and almost as wide.
CARTMAN: Voila! Eric the wonderful chef pulls off a masterpiece!
He grabs the sandwich and bundles it into the microwave.
STAN: You do know that eating makes you fat, don't you?
CARTMAN: No, that's just an old wives' tale.
He presses a few buttons on the microwave. It starts, then explodes in a bubbling splash of sandwich slop. The microwave door flies off its hinges and spins into KENNY's throat like a ninja star. KENNY grasps at his throat and falls over into the sink. His flailing arms hit a button on the wall
marked "TRASH COMPACTOR." The compactor sucks him up and sprays him out in a bubbly red geyser, all over CARTMAN.
STAN: Oh my God! They killed Kenny!
KYLE: You bastards!
CARTMAN: Goddammit, now I have to take a shower! Go home!
STAN: What an asshole.
STAN and KYLE leave.
In CARTMAN's bathroom. CARTMAN's silhouette is visible through the shower curtain, as he dances around and sings in the shower.
CARTMAN (in a high, screechy, incredibly loud voice): So close, no matter how far, couldn't be much more from the heart, forever trust in who we are, and nothing else matters, never opened myself this way, life is ours to live in our way...
In the kitchen. CARTMAN's voice can still be heard. CARTMAN'S MOM staggers in, hands over her ears. She collapses to the ground.
CARTMAN'S MOM: Goodbye, cruel world!
On KITTY, twitching on the floor.
At night, in STAN's bedroom. He lies awake in his bed.
On the clock by his bed. It says "2:30."
STAN: I can't take it anymore!
He gets up and phones KYLE. The screen splits in two; one half shows STAN, the other KYLE.
KYLE: Hello?
STAN: Hey.
KYLE: You can't sleep either, huh?
STAN: Nope. I keep wondering about that videotape.
KYLE: Well dude, let's go and check it out!
STAN: Isn't that stealing?
KYLE: Probably.
STAN: Isn't stealing wrong, or something?
KYLE: Maybe, I forget. You should ask the Lord for guidance.
STAN: Okay, I'll phone you and tell you what he said.
KYLE: Bye.
They hang up. STAN phones JESUS.
JESUS (tired and confused): Hello?
STAN: Hey Jesus, is it okay to...
JESUS: Yeah, yeah, sure. Blessed art thou. Bye.
He hangs up and goes back to sleep.
STAN: Cool!
Outside the school, at night. The scamps arrive.
STAN: It's supposed to be right here.
CARTMAN: Let's get it and go, this place looks haunted.
KYLE: You're scared of everything, Cartman.
CARTMAN: Am not!
KYLE: Hey Cartman, you have a click beetle on your hair.
CARTMAN screams and jumps three feet into the air.
KYLE: Ha, you're scared of click beetles.
CARTMAN: Hey, click beetles are scary. One time my friend's friend's uncle's roommate tried to dry his pet click beetle off in the microwave, and the microwave made it crazy, and it ate him, and then it exploded! All over him!
KYLE: Oh, shut up.
CARTMAN: You shut up, you copronecropedophiliac!
KYLE: Copronecropedophiliac?
STAN: That's when you have sex with a *BLEEP* *BLEEP* *BLEEP* and you *BLEEP* *BLEEP* the *BLEEP* *BLEEP* ass *BLEEP* *BLEEP* scoop *BLEEP* out of it *BLEEP* *BLEEP* *BLEEP*.
KYLE: Whoa!
STAN: Now shut up, I'm going to get the video.
He goes under the stairs and comes back a second later with the video.
CARTMAN: We can watch it at my house. My mom won't wake up.
KYLE: She's still sleeping off the world record gang bang, eh?
CARTMAN: Screw you guys!
CARTMAN's house, at night. The scamps sit on the sofa.
STAN: Here we go.
He lifts the remote control and presses a button. The TV starts to play the video.
On the TV screen. STAN'S DAD is sitting on a chair, reading lines off a piece of paper.
STAN'S DAD: Er... ahem. If you are... seeing this... you are thirty-eight years old and mature enough to handle... the earthshaking truth about everything... you know. First off, Kenny is actually a...
The screen dissolves into static, and then becomes solid black. A caption appears on the screen.
ANNOUNCER: And now it's time once again for the HBC Movie Of The Week.
CARTMAN (O.S.): Goddammit! Someone recorded over this!
Zoom in further on the screen, until it's the only thing visible.
ANNOUNCER: Canada's hottest action stars!
TERRANCE's head appears on the screen.
ANNOUNCER: Terrance Mackenzie!
PHILIP's head appears next to TERRANCE's.
ANNOUNCER: Philip McCrack!
They fade out.
ANNOUNCER: In the epic story of loss and betrayal that shocked a generation!
Caption: Based on a True Story.
A road. Slowly pan across it, until we come to a sign. Zoom in on the sign. It reads "Welcome to Canada. Population 1500."
Huge fancy caption: Without My Anus.
Inside TERRANCE & PHILIP's house. They're sitting on the couch. PHILIP farts.
PHLILP: Terrance, I have an announcement to make.
TERRANCE: Yes Philip? Was it aboot that fart?
PHILIP: No, I got you a present!
TERRANCE: Wow! You are such a good friend, Philip! What is it?
PHILIP: Find out yourself. I placed it in the crack of your ass while you slept!
TERRANCE: So that explains my irregular bouts with farting pain.
He drops his pants and farts. A big wrapped present shoots out of his ass onto the floor.
TERRANCE: Thank you, Philip!
He opens the present. There's a weird mechanical thing inside.
PHILIP: It's a fart barometer!
TERRANCE: A fart what?
PHILIP: A fart barometer! It measures the amount of farts in the air. Here, let me show you what it's all aboot.
He holds the barometer and farts. A little needle on the barometer goes up from 0 to 5, on the scale of 0 to 10.
TERRANCE: Magnificent!
The both start farting and laughing hysterically. The barometer needle immediately goes up to 10. TERRANCE stops and wipes sweat from his brow.
TERRANCE: Whew!
PHILIP keeps farting. The barometer spontaneously combusts.
PHILIP: You're not doing so well on the fart endurance, old chum. Haven't you been working out?
TERRANCE: Oh Philip, what with my busy lifestyle I have little time for working out on our Sphincter Master 3000.
PHILIP: Well, you should make time! Here in Canada, a man is judged by the power of his fart.
TERRANCE: I know, I know. Would you like to watch Canadian TV?
PHILIP: Yes, let's watch Canadian TV.
PHILIP turns the TV on. On the TV, two Americans are sitting on a couch. There's a big American flag hanging above the couch.
TERRANCE (O.S.): I just love Marcus and Kenneth!
PHILIP (O.S.): Yes, they show us the American lifestyle!
MARCUS (speaking in an exaggerated Texan drawl): Would you like some chicken fried steak, Kenneth?
KENNETH (speaking in an exaggerated Bronx accent): Yep. I love chicken fried steak.
On T & P.
TERRANCE: Uh-oh! I bet I know what's coming!
On the TV.
KENNETH: Marcus, I think that chicken fried steak might make me belch.
MARCUS: Well, don't belch on me, Kenneth.
KENNETH: Sure. On a completely unrelated topic, I think I might be developing strep throat.
MARCUS: Really? Let me see.
KENNETH opens his mouth. MARCUS leans over to look in. KENNETH belches in his face. They chuckle slowly.
On T&P. They laugh their asses off.
PHILIP: Well, enough TV. It's a beautiful day, let's go to the beach.
TERRANCE: Sounds like fun.
They leave.
A Canadian beach. T & P enter and sit down. They take off their shirts to reveal letters written on their chests.
PHILIP: The beach sure is fun, Terrance!
TERRANCE: Yes! What can we do here?
PHILIP: Why don't we look for female pop vocalists?
TERRANCE: Good idea! This being Canada, female pop vocalists are thick upon the ground.
They look around. The "looking for treasure" music plays.
TERRANCE: Oh look, there's one!
Pan right, to SHANIA TWAIN laying on the beach. "S.T." is written on her bikini top.
SHANIA TWAIN: Oh, hello Terrance and Philip.
PHILIP: Hello, Shania Twain.
TERRANCE: How are you today?
SHANIA TWAIN: I'm quite fine. Yourself?
TERRANCE: Terrific!
He farts. They laugh. He sits down beside her.
TERRANCE: So, what have you been doing lately?
SHANIA TWAIN: Just keeping myself busy...
A shadow falls over them. Pull back to reveal the source of the shadow, GIGANTIC CARL. He's a tall, muscular Canadian.
CARL: What're you doing with my girlfriend?
PHILIP: Oh no! Our old nemesis, Gigantic Carl!
SHANIA TWAIN: Um... Carl, it's not what you think...
TERRANCE: Go away, Gigantic Carl!
CARL: What did you say?
TERRANCE: I said go away! You're not welcome here!
PHILIP: Are you mad, Terrance?
CARL: If you want Shania Twain, you've got to fight for her!
SHANIA TWAIN: Boys, don't do it!
CARL: I challenge you to a farting contest.
TERRANCE: I accept.
PHILIP: Oh, raspberries.
CARL grunts with effort, then unleashes a titanic fart that blows SHANIA TWAIN back several feet. Everyone laughs.
TERRANCE: You call that a fart? THIS is a fart.
He grunts. Nothing happens.
CARL: Can't you even fart, you Kroff Dinner addicted dick?
TERRANCE: It's coming...
He grunts again. He farts a tiny fart.
CARL: Butterflies can fart better than that!
TERRANCE: Best two out of three?
CARL: No!
He grabs TERRANCE by the hair and lifts his head up, off his body. He throws the head into the ocean. TERRANCE stumbles around.
PHILIP: Oh no! Gigantic Carl, you've thrown my lifelong friend's head into the ocean!
CARL: So? What are you going to do aboot it?
PHILIP goes and gets TERANCE's head and puts it back on his neck.
PHILIP: Come on, Terrance. Let's get out of here.
TERRANCE: Gigantic Carl, you were cheating!
CARL: Hah! You're just a sore loser!
SHANIA TWAIN: Alas Terrance, I fear our love will never be.
TERRANCE: Just you wait!
At their house.
TERRANCE: That Carl thinks he's so great! But he's not! He's a simple-minded dick!
PHILIP: Let it go, he beat you fair and square.
TERRANCE: I will never let it go!
PHILIP: Cool down! I know, would you like some beans?
TERRANCE: No!
PHILIP: Kroff Dinner?
TERRANCE: No!
PHILIP: Flapjacks?
TERRANCE: No!
PHILIP: Poutine?
TERRANCE: No!
PHILIP: Why, no other foods are legal in Canada! Are you feeling all right?
TERRANCE: Alas old friend, I am consumed by jealousy and bitter shame.
He farts. They laugh.
TERRANCE: I will set things right. I swear it on the name of Canada!
PHILIP: Don't get too overexited. Have a nap.
TERRANCE: Yes, I believe I shall.
TERRANCE leaves.
PHILIP farts very loudly, even for him.
PHILIP: Oh, that one sure cleaned out the old alimentary tract. Terrance, did you hear that?
Silence.
PHILIP: Terrance?
Silence.
PHILIP: I wonder what this is all aboot.
He leaves.
Their bedroom. A door is open. PHILIP enters.
PHILIP: Terrance?
He goes out the door.
Outside a building. A garish neon sign says "ILLEGAL BLACK MARKET FART AUGMENTATIONS PERFORMED WITHIN. NO POLICE PLEASE."
Inside the building. TERRANCE is talking with a doctor.
DOCTOR: I believe we have something that can help you.
TERRANCE: Stupendous!
DOCTOR: Are you familiar with the term "colonic steroids?"
TERRANCE: No, can't say that I am.
DOCTOR: The procedure is quite simple. Hold still.
The DOCTOR pulls a bottle of pills out of his pocket and pours it down TERRANCE's throat. He then does the same with a bottle of liquid medicine, an ant farm and a goldfish bowl.
TERRANCE: Shall I fart?
DOCTOR: I see no harm in that.
TERRANCE farts. It's nothing special.
DOCTOR: One more thing.
He pulls a big spring from his pocket.
TERRANCE: Doctor, what's that spring for?
Shot of the building from the outside, far away. Voices are heard.
DOCTOR: Bend over, Mr. Mackenzie.
After about a second, TERRANCE screams and then laughs hysterically. The sound of TERRANCE farting is heard. It's incredibly loud and so powerful that it blows the building apart.
On TERRANCE, standing in the wreckage.
TERRANCE: I've got you now, Gigantic Carl.
End of Act 1.
Outside SHANIA TWAIN's house. PHILIP walks up and knocks on the door. SHANIA TWAIN opens it.
SHANIA TWAIN: Philip, what are you doing here?
PHILIP: I seek my old friend Terrance. Has he been around?
CARL (O.S.): Who's at the door, babe?
SHANIA TWAIN: Oh, nothing dear. Just the blender repairman.
CARL (O.S.): All right.
SHANIA TWAIN: No, I haven't seen him. Is he all right?
PHILIP: I don't know. He left our house in a very strange state of mind. I fear for his safety.
He farts. They laugh.
SHANIA TWAIN: Perhaps I should help you search for him.
CARL (O.S.) That doesn't sound like Jim, the blender repairman!
SHANIA TWAIN: Oh, no. This is, um... Dwayne, the blender repairman.
CARL (O.S.) Oh. Tell him I said hello.
PHILIP: Could you, Shania Twain? Your help could make the difference between the success and failure of the search.
SHANIA TWAIN: Then I gladly will.
CARL (O.S.) I want to go meet Dwayne, the blender repairman!
SHANIA TWAIN: Oh no!
PHILIP: I need some kind of disguise!
SHANIA TWAIN: I've got it!
She takes the "P" off his chest and puts it back upside down so it looks like a "d".
PHILIP: Oh Shania Twain, you are ever so brilliant!
CARL enters.
CARL: Hello, Dwayne the blender repairman.
He grabs PHILIP's hand and shakes it up and down. The "d" falls off PHILIP's chest.
PHILIP: Aaugh!
He grabs it from the ground and jumps into a garbage can.
CARL: What a strange fellow.
PHILIP farts, shaking the inside of the garbage can.
CARL leaves.
SHANIA TWAIN: He's gone.
PHILIP emerges from the garbage can.
PHILIP: Phew, that was close.
SHANIA TWAIN: And now we must search for Terrance!
PHILIP: Where shall we search?
SHANIA TWAIN: Look at these footprints. Are they Terrance's?
PHILIP looks at the ground. It's covered with footprints, all marked with T's.
PHILIP: They very well could be.
SHANIA TWAIN: Then I know where to search!
PHILIP: Where?
Pan over the footprints. They lead past a huge sign reading "BLACK MARKET
FART AUGMENTATIONS THIS WAY." Pan further, past signs reading "WANT TO IMPRESS A FEMALE POP VOCALIST? FART AUGMENTATIONS ARE FOR YOU!" and "TIRED
OF BEING PUSHED AROUND BY GIGANTIC CARL? GET A FART AUGMENTATION,
TERRANCE!"
SHANIA TWAIN: Oh, come now! Think!
PHILIP: Um...
SHANIA TWAIN: And look at this!
She picks a newspaper up from the ground and reads it out loud.
SHANIA TWAIN: The front page story is "Famous Surgeon Terrance Mackenzie Gets Fart Augmentation."
PHILIP: Um...
She picks a book up from the ground.
SHANIA TWAIN: It's his day planner. (reads) "8:30, eat Kroff Dinner. 9:00, clip toenails. 2:00, get colonic steroids from Honest Bob's Illegal Black Market Fart Augmentations. 3:30, duel Gigantic Carl for Shania Twain's love."
PHILIP: Of course! Now I see where he went!
A lightbulb appears over his head, shining brightly.
SHANIA TWAIN: I knew you'd get it, Philip!
PHILIP: Of course, Shania Twain! He went to Newfoundland!
SHANIA TWAIN: Exactly! We shall search Newfoundland and the maritime provinces, leaving no stone unturned!
PHILIP: We will leave immediately!
On a boat. PHILIP and SHANIA TWAIN are sitting on the main deck.
PHILIP: There it is! Newfoundland!
SHANIA TWAIN: Oh, good!
PHILIP: Whilst we wait for the ship to dock, would you like to tell newfie jokes?
SHANIA TWAIN: Yes! Let's tell newfie jokes! Apparently Philip, three Canadians wanted to stow away on a train. So...
Pan across to Newfoundland. Three Canadians are standing by the railroad tracks. One is from Newfoundland, and has a big N on his shirt.
CANADIAN #1: Would you like to stow away on this train?
CANADIAN #2: By all means!
NEWFIE: We should jump into the freight compartment as the train goes by!
CANADIAN: Yes, let's do that!
The train goes by. They jump in.
Inside the freight car. The Canadians stand there. There are three bags on the ground.
CANADIAN #2: We should conceal ourselves in bags.
They each get into a bag and lie on the ground.
In another car of the train. The CONDUCTOR stands there.
CONDUCTOR: Time to routinely check the freight compartment!
He pulls on a lever, stopping the train, then goes out.
In the freight car. The Canadians are still there, concealed in bags.
NEWFIE (his bag is marked with an N): Why did we stop?
CANADIAN: I think I hear someone.
The CONDUCTOR walks in.
CONDUCTOR: And now time to check these three bags.
He walks over and kicks the first bag.
CANADIAN #1: Um... meow meow meow.
CONDUCTOR: Wow! Lucky I didn't open that bag, we'd have cats all over the place.
He kicks the second bag.
CANADIAN #2: Woof woof woof. Bark bark.
CONDUCTOR: Golly! Lucky I didn't open that bag, we'd have dogs all over the place.
He kicks the third bag.
NEWFIE: I am a sack of potatoes.
Back on the boat.
SHANIA TWAIN: And then the newfie says, "I'm a sack of potatoes!"
They laugh loudly for an extremely long time.
Caption: Shania Twain's views in no way reflect the views of the writer.
PHILIP: Okay, I know a good one. It seems there were these three construction workers, working on a skyscraper. One was a newfie. And one day...
Pan over to Newfoundland again. There's a big, half-built skyscraper. Three Canadian construction workers sit on a beam hundreds of feet off the ground. One is from Newfoundland.
CANADIAN #1: I sure hope I don't get beans today for lunch. I've had beans for lunch every day for the past sixteen years, and if I get them today I will fling myself off this precarious beam to a messy death below.
CANADIAN #2: Same here. I've gotten Kroff Dinner for the past sixteen years, and if this situation does not change with today's lunch, I will do the same.
NEWFIE: Yes, my lunches for the past sixteen years have consisted of nothing but poutine, and if poutine is in my lunch today I will abandon this cruel world in the same manner as you.
The NEWFIE looks at his watch.
NEWFIE: Oh, it's lunchtime.
They take out their lunchboxes. CANADIAN #1 opens his.
CANADIAN #1: Beans! That does it!
He jumps off the beam.
CANADIAN #2 opens his.
CANADIAN #2: Kroff Dinner! I don't want to live anymore!
He jumps off the beam.
The NEWFIE opens his.
NEWFIE: Poutine! Goodbye, cruel world!
He jumps off the beam.
On the ground. The three Canadians are lying there, dead. Three Canadian women rush in. One is from Newfoundland.
CANADIAN #1'S WIFE: Oh, no! My husband is dead! I shouldn't have given him those beans!
CANADIAN #2'S WIFE: Oh, no! My husband is dead! I shouldn't have given him that Kroff Dinner!
NEWFIE'S WIFE: I don't get it! My husband packs his own lunch!
Back on the boat.
PHILIP: So then, the newfie's wife says, "I don't get it! He packs his own lunch!"
They laugh loudly for an even longer period of time.
Caption: Philip's views in no way reflect the views of the writer.
PHILIP: Oh look. We have docked.
SHANIA TWAIN: Great!
They get off the boat and walk through Newfoundland.
PHILIP: Newfoundland appears deserted.
SHANIA TWAIN: Yes, it certainly does.
They walk further.
SHANIA TWAIN: I know why! Look at that!
She points at a sign. It reads "GREAT BIG SEA PERFORMING TONIGHT!"
PHILIP: Great Big Sea? They totally suck ass!
Caption: Philip's views on Great Big Sea completely reflect the views of the writer.
SHANIA TWAIN: We must go to the concert, and inquire aboot Terrance's whereaboots.
PHILIP: If we must, we must.
They go into a big building. Inside, it's packed to the brim with Newfies. Great Big Sea is performing on the stage.
SINGER: Does anyone have requests?
NEWFIE: Can you sing us a song aboot love?
SINGER: No. Any other requests?
NEWFIE: Can you sing us a song aboot Canada?
SINGER: No, we only sing songs aboot fishing for lobster in the briny Atlantic.
NEWFIE: How aboot an ode to the lobster trap?
SINGER: That we can do!
Great Big Sea starts to play a strange sea shanty.
SINGER : Oh the lobster trap, yes the lobster trap, it surely isn't a piece of crap, while fishing for lobster in the briny sea, the trap performs so faithfully --
PHILIP: Hey!
SINGER: What? Listen, this better be aboot lobster!
PHILIP: No, it's aboot Terrance! Have you seen him?
SINGER: Terrance, Terrance... is he a Canadian surgeon, with black hair, red shirt, brown eyes, Northeast Canadian accent, a tattoo of Kroff Dinner on his right bicep, sometimes wears a pirate costume, always farting?
SHANIA TWAIN: Yes!
SINGER: Haven't seen him, sorry.
PHILIP: It appears that Newfoundland is a red herring.
SINGER: Herring? I told you, we only sing songs aboot lobster. And occasionally cod.
PHILIP: Oh, forget it.
They leave.
Outside the building. PHILIP pauses and holds one hand to his ear.
PHILIP: Did you hear that?
SHANIA TWAIN: Hear what?
A fart can be heard.
SHANIA TWAIN: That fart?
PHILIP: A fart in the key of N! Terrance's farts are N flats!
SHANIA TWAIN: Yes, it must be him!
PHILIP: Back to the mainland we go!
They leave.
Back on the mainland. TERRANCE is standing in front of SHANIA TWAIN's house. He knocks on the door. GIGANTIC CARL opens it.
CARL: What do you want, pipsqueak?
TERRANCE: I want a rematch!
CARL: Ha! I'll always kick your ass!
PHILIP and SHANIA TWAIN rush onto the scene.
PHILIP: Don't do it, Terrance!
TERRANCE: Don't worry! I have an ace up my sleeve.
CARL farts mightily. He, PHILIP and SHANIA TWAIN laugh. TERRANCE crosses his arms.
TERRANCE: Through my colon, through my bum! Look out sphincter, here it comes!
CARL: Huh?
TERRANCE turns his back to CARL, bends over, and farts. It's so powerful that it sends a massive shock wave through the air like a sonic boom. CARL disintegrates, leaving a pile of dust on the ground. Everyone laughs. SHANIA TWAIN runs over and hugs TERRANCE.
TERRANCE: I did it! I did it! I... oh... my intestines...
He collapses to the ground.
SHANIA TWAIN: Philip! Call an ambulance!
PHILIP takes a cel phone from his pocket and phones 911.
PHILIP: I'm calling from 800 Canada Drive! We've had a violent farting accident, and we need an ambulance right away!
VOICE (911 OPERATOR): Sure, right away.
PHILIP: Make it quick, I am Philip McCrack, famous architect!
VOICE: The one who designed the Canada Tower?
PHILIP: The same!
He hangs up. An ambulance drives up, and the driver loads TERRANCE into the back. PHILIP and SHANIA TWAIN jump in. It drives off.
Exterior view of the White House.
Inside. BILL CLINTON sits at a desk, smoking a big cigar. He's American-looking, as normal.
CLINTON: Damn it, I'm in deep s*BLEEP*t now.
An ADVISOR rushes in.
ADVISOR: Mr. Clinton, your approval has dropped another 400 points.
CLINTON: What am I at now?
ADVISOR: Negative 5200.
CLINTON: Aw, crap! I'm gonna get impeached, I know it!
ADVISOR: There is one hope. If you can get some approval, they might not impeach you after all.
CLINTON: How can I do that?
ADVISOR: Well, you might try not being such a slut. Other than that, I recommend that you fix the health care system.
CLINTON: The health care system! Of course!
ADVISOR: You should model the new one on Canada's health care system. It's the best in the world, but you might want to take out all the parts pertaining to flatulence.
CLINTON: There's an awful lot of that going around in Canada lately. Is it all that Kroff Macaroni and Cheese that they eat?
ADVISOR: Over there they call it Kroff Dinner. And that might be a part of it, but I think they just like to fart.
CLINTON: I'm off to Canada, to study their health care system. See you later!
He takes a folder from his desk marked "AMERICAN HEALTH CARE SYSTEM" and leaves. He walks down a road. Eventually he comes to the Canadian border.
CLINTON: Here goes nothing.
He walks over the border. Immediately he starts to change into a Canadian.
CLINTON: What the?
He changes some more, until he has a Canadian body and a Bill Clinton head that looks like it was cut from a magazine (as Saddam Hussein did in Not Without My Anus).
CLINTON: Oh my God! I'm Canadian! And what's with my head?
As he talks, his head comes off and on his body like that of a genuine Canadian. He passes his hand through the gap in his head.
CLINTON: What the hell?
He walks further into Canada, coming to a building marked "CANADIAN BOARD OF HEALTH." He goes in.
Inside. He goes up to a man at a desk.
CLINTON: I'm here to see the Canadian health care system, please.
MAN: Certainly. Right this way.
He follows the man down a long hall and into a room. In the room, there's a folder on a pedestal.
CLINTON: Hey, have you heard that they're giving out free Kroff Macaroni and Cheese outside?
MAN: Do you mean Kroff Dinner?
CLINTON (thinking): I'll never get the hang of this crazy country!
CLINTON: Yes.
The MAN runs out.
CLINTON: And now to perform my evil deed!
He takes his folder and puts it on the pedestal, than takes the other folder off and puts it in his pocket. He takes a pen, scribbles "AMERICAN HEALTH CARE SYSTEM" out, and writes "KANADIAN HEALTH CARE SYSTEM" on the folder that's now on the pedestal.
CLINTON: Ha, my plan worked!
He runs out.
In a hospital. TERRANCE is in a bed with an IV hooked up to his ass.
SHANIA TWAIN: It's a good thing that we have the Canadian health care system to take care of you, Terrance!
TERRANCE (weakly): Yes, I have complete faith in it.
Ominous music builds.
End of Act 2.
In the hospital room. SHANIA TWAIN and PHILIP sit by TERRANCE. A DOCTOR enters.
DOCTOR: And what seems to be the trouble here?
PHILIP: This man is my best friend, and his colon may be damaged irreparably! You must examine him!
DOCTOR: Very well.
He taps TERRANCE's knee with a little reflex-testing hammer. TERRANCE's leg twitches.
DOCTOR: Right. He's been abusing colonic steroids. We must operate immediately!
SHANIA TWAIN: Colonic steroids? Terrance, why? Didn't your medical training warn you about such a dangerous, untested form of fart augmentation?
Melodramatic music starts to play.
TERRANCE (weakly): I did it for you, Shania Twain... uggh...
He faints.
SHANIA TWAIN: Terrance! Terrance!
DOCTOR: He's fading fast.
The doctor speaks into a walkie-talkie.
DOCTOR: Set us up for a sphincter reconstruction, stat! We don't have much time!
PHILIP: Hey doctor, guess what?
DOCTOR: What?
PHILIP farts. Everyone laughs.
SHANIA TWAIN: You can't die, Terrance! I won't let you!
Several DOCTORS appear and wheel TERRANCE away.
Fade to black.
VOICE: 'Without My Anus' is brought to you by the Fatty Goo Corporation. Take advantage of this commercial break to go enjoy some of their fine snack food items, such as Choco Slop, Cheezy Poofs and Cheezy Poofs Lite! We are telling you this simply because they are the best foods ever
created, and not because of a multi-trillion dollar merchandising deal.
On STAN, KYLE and CARTMAN, sitting on the sofa.
KYLE: Wow!
STAN: Surrealism, social satire, and farting! What more could you ask for?
CARTMAN: Stan, Terrance is gonna be okay, right?
STAN: We don't know.
CARTMAN: You can't die, Terrance! You can't!
He starts to cry.
KYLE: Dude, if you don't shut up I'm gonna kick your ass straight to Mexico.
CARTMAN: My mom says... there's a lot of black people in Mexico.
KYLE: Your mom's a slut with a dick. What would she know?
STAN: Dude, it's on!
On the TV. PHILIP is talking to a D0CTOR.
PHILIP: Is he okay?
DOCTOR: We should know any time now.
A NURSE pushes TERRANCE through the door on a gurney.
PHILIP: Could you save him?
NURSE: You might want to sit down.
PHILIP sits on the gurney.
NURSE: We could stabilise him, but we couldn't save his colon. Unless he gets a sphincter transfusion, he'll never be able to fart again.
PHILIP: He... can't fart?
NURSE: I'm afraid not. I'm sorry.
PHILIP: Why, God? Take me instead! Take me!
A bolt of lightning streaks down at him. He screams and jumps out of the way. The lightning hits TERRANCE instead, shooting him through the air and into the wall. He hangs there.
PHILIP: Oh my! Terrance is embedded in the wall!
NURSE: Code Blue! Code Blue!
A hospital room. TERRANCE is awake and sitting up in the bed. PHILIP, a DOCTOR and SHANIA TWAIN stand by him.
SHANIA TWAIN: We can get through this, Terrance!
TERRANCE: Leave me. Without my anus, I am half a man.
SHANIA TWAIN: Don't even think that way!
PHILIP: Terrance, I will donate my sphincter to save you!
DOCTOR: It's not that easy. We need Type N sphinctral tissue, and the operation costs 500,000 Canadian dollars.
PHILIP: What? This is Canada, where such an operation is paid for by the taxpayers!
DOCTOR: Our health care system was unexpectedly altered under mysterious circumstances. Now you'e got to pay.
PHILIP: A new wrinkle in the plot! Shania Twain, we are in quite a predicament!
DOCTOR: By the way, you have a visitor.
TERRANCE: A visitor?
SCOTT enters.
SCOTT: Ha, you are in a hospital bed! I deduce that you have cancer, and so my plan worked! Ha ha ha!
SHANIA TWAIN: What are you talking about?
SCOTT: Since our childhood, I have been attempting to give Terrance cancer with the power of my mind! Now my plan has worked!
SHANIA TWAIN: You heartless, cruel dick!
SCOTT: And now, my crowning touch: I will give you amorial plebitis with the awesome powers of my mind!
He waves his arms at TERRANCE:
TERRANCE: You are such a dick, Scott!
SCOTT: You're a dick!
TERRANCE: You're a dick!
SCOTT: You're a dick!
TERRANCE: You're a dick!
SCOTT: You're a dick!
TERRANCE: You're a dick!
A pause.
SCOTT: You're a dick!
PHILIP: Doctor, this man is clearly insane. He needs an immediate treatment with di-chloro-tetra-hexy-bi-tri-monosodium etrasorbate!
DOCTOR: Couldn't hurt.
The DOCTOR injects SCOTT with a needle.
SCOTT: What in the name of Canada did you just do?
Suddenly, SCOTT's arms fall off.
DOCTOR: We're trying this experimental compound out on people. I trust that's okay with you?
SCOTT: No it's not okay with me! Reattach my arms, you quack!
DOCTOR (writing on a little clipboard): People with no arms are dicks...
In the White House. BILL CLINTON is sitting in his office, American-looking again. An ADVISOR enters.
ADVISOR: Mister President, your approval rating is soaring!
CLINTON: Good! So I don't need you anymore -- get out!
ADVISOR: You can't do this to me!
CLINTON: I just did! I don't have to pay your salary anymore!
ADVISOR: You don't pay my salary anyway!
CLINTON: The check's in the mail. Now get out!
He presses a button on his desk. A trapdoor appears in the floor. The ADVISOR falls through it.
ADVISOR (getting fainter): Slick Willie, you're a dick...
CLINTON laughs maniacally.
CLINTON: And now for my press conference.
He goes out the door into a room full of REPORTERS.
REPORTER: How do you respond to allegations of being a slut?
CLINTON: Um... shut up. Next question!
REPORTER: How were you able to rebuild the health care system and save yourself from impeachment?
CLINTON: Let's just say that I had the help of our friends from the Great White North.
REPORTER: You stole their system, huh?
CLINTON: Um... shut up. Next question!
In the hospital room. SCOTT has left.
PHILIP: How will we get 500,000 Canadian dollars to pay for your operation, Terrance? That's (pulls out a calculator and punches keys) almost 2,000 American dollars!
TERRANCE: Only one option remains to us, old friend. We must sell our bodies on the street.
SHANIA TWAIN: Terrance, that's incredibly brave.
PHILIP: No way, that's gross! It totally sucks ass!
TERRANCE: But what other choice do we have?
PHILIP: You're right. Come, Terrance, we must become whores.
TERRANCE: I don't like it either, but there's nothing else we can do.
Outside the hospital. TERRANCE and PHILIP stand there, in halter tops and miniskirts. Their faces are covered with badly applied makeup.
PHILIP whistles at a passing man.
PHILIP (trying to sound sexy): Hey, looking for a good time?
TERRANCE: Philip, it was my understanding that we would be selling our bodies to women.
PHILIP sighs.
PHILIP: Whatever floats your boat, Terrance.
TERRANCE: What's that noise?
PHILIP: What noise?
TERRANCE: That cheering noise! It's coming from the direction of the United States!
PHILIP: Yes, I see it! Perhaps someone over there farted.
TERRANCE: We must investigate!
They go into the hospital and come out a second later not looking like whores.
TERRANCE: Follow me!
They walk off, in the direction of the border.
At the border.
PHILIP: Terrance, I'm not sure that I want to go through with this. I have never been over the border before.
TERRANCE: Nor have I, but there comes a time in every man's life where he... um... walks over the U.S. / Canada border.
PHILIP: Right. Let's do it.
They walk over the border. Immediately they change into Americans.
TERRANCE: What's happened to you, Philip? You have become grotesquely ugly, and I don't want to be seen in your presence.
PHILIP: Me? What about you? You look like an American!
TERRANCE: An American? Oh my God! We have been transformed into Americans!
PHILIP: Maybe you have. I'm still Canadian through and through. Observe!
He tries to fart. Nothing happens.
PHILIP: Hmm. Prehaps I need some Kroff Dinner.
He reaches into his pocket and pulls a box of Kroff Dinner out. He opens it and pours the contents into his hand. Instead of Kroff Dinner, hot dogs come out.
PHILIP: Oh, damn! My Kroff Dinner has been transmogrified!
TERRANCE: We must get out of this crazy country fast!
PHILIP sniffs the hot dogs.
PHILIP: Hey Terrance, these smell pretty good. Try one!
TERRANCE and PHILIP each eat a hot dog.
TERRANCE: These are good! Philip, this country has a strange appeal... No! Philip, we are mocking our Canadian heritage! Philip!
As TERRANCE talks, PHILIP eats the rest of the hot dogs.
TERRANCE: Philip! Don't do it! Don't succumb to the charm of these freakish United States!
PHILIP: Oh, Terrance, lighten up. Have some more hot dogs. They are what dreams are made of!
TERRANCE slaps PHILIP.
TERRANCE: Philip, I know you can still hear me under that American shell! Fight it! Fight it, Philip!
PHILIP: Oh Terrance, I just love the United States. Would you like to play baseball?
TERRANCE: To hell with you! I will investigate the United States myself.
He walks off.
On CLINTON, giving an open air speech. TERRANCE pushes past the hordes of reporters and sits at the front.
CLINTON: And you see, that's how I singlehandedly invented our new health care system.
TERRANCE: New health care system?
CLINTON: That's right! I stole it from Canada, and gave them ours!
The crowd gasps.
CLINTON: Um... I mean I didn't steal it from Canada.
TERRANCE: You stole our health care system?
CLINTON: I believe I have answered that question fully and completely.
TERRANCE: You're a dick, Slick Willie!
CLINTON: You're a dick!
TERRANCE: You're a dick and a freak! You stole our health care system!
CLINTON: People of America, this man in the red shirt is a Communist!
He points at TERRANCE. TERRANCE screams and runs away. Hordes of people chase him.
TERRANCE: I'm not a Communist! Slick Willie is!
MAN: Slick Willie's a communist? Get 'im!
The people chase CLINTON instead. CLINTON dives through a big picture window into the White House to get away.
TERRANCE: I shall have to remember that trick.
He walks off.
At the border. TERRANCE stands there.
TERRANCE: Well, back into Canada I go.
A big car shaped like a hot dog drives up, honking its horn at TERRANCE. It stops. PHILIP gets out. He's now dressed in a ridiculous red, white and blue striped Uncle Sam suit with a matching stovepipe hat and big fake beard. He waves an American flag around as he talks.
TERRANCE: Philip! What in the name of Canada has happened to you?
PHILIP: It's the American Dream, Terrance! Now I sell hot dogs and chicken fried steak to Americans!
TERRANCE: I'll get help for you, Philip! You will be admitted to the best insane asylum in Canada, and submitted to the finest electroshock treatments! I swear it!
He runs back over the border, becoming Canadian again.
In his house. He sits with SHANIA TWAIN, eating bowl after bowl of Kroff Dinner.
TERRANCE: You're sure I don't have American dirt on me?
SHANIA TWAIN: I'm sure, I'm sure!
TERRANCE: I'm going to scrub my outer layer of skin off with steel wool again! I still smell like hot dogs and chicken fried steak!
SHANIA TWAIN: You're not tainted with Americanism! You've scrubbed seven layers of skin off of your body! You're clean!
TERRANCE: I guess I am. It's just that with everything happening to me, I'm spinning out of control. I can't fart until I have an expensive operation, that dick Bill Clinton just stole our Canadian health care system, and my best friend has been corrupted with the American Dream! He's selling hot
dogs, Shania Twain! Hot dogs!
SHANIA TWAIN: I know, and it's terrible. But you've got to pull yourself together! We will reclaim our health care system, and Canada will be whole once more! You've just... you've just got to have faith in yourself, Terrance!
TERRANCE: But... it's hard. I'm still getting used to being unable to fart, and everything else isn't helping.
SHANIA TWAIN farts. They laugh.
TERRANCE: Shania Twain! That fart gives me hope once more!
SHANIA TWAIN: Does it?
TERRANCE: Yes! Even though I may be unable to fart, Canada still can! I'm proud of Canada, Shania Twain, and its honor is important to me! We must get our health care system back.
SHANIA TWAIN: How?
TERRANCE: I was figuring you had a plan.
SHANIA TWAIN: No.
TERRANCE: Well, we must think.
They think.
TERRANCE: I've just thought of something!
SHANIA TWAIN: What is it?
TERRANCE: Kroff Dinner flavored poutine would be an enormous commercial success!
SHANIA TWAIN: You're right! Terrance, we must make some of this delicacy immediately!
Outside the house. TERRANCE and SHANIA TWAIN sit at a kiosk with a big sign that says "KROFF DINNER FLAVOURED POUTINE -- $150.00." A crowd rushes up and buys it all, leaving them with a huge pile of money.
TERRANCE: Shania Twain, we must have thousands of dollars here!
SHANIA TWAIN: Five hundred and two thousand! Do you realise what this means?
TERRANCE: Yes! I can get my sphincter transfusion, and regain my confidence!
SHANIA TWAIN: Exactly! What a good idea that was.
TERRANCE: Oh, it was just a happy accident. Off I go!
He gets a wheelbarrow and pushes the money into it. They go off to the hospital, pushing the wheelbarrow.
At the hospital waiting room. TERRANCE puts all the money on the counter.
TERRANCE: I want a sphinctral transfusion, please.
NURSE: Sure. Right this way.
She leads him into a small room. SHANIA TWAIN sits in the waiting room, chain-smoking. Various extremely strange noises are heard from the room. After a while, the door opens and TERRANCE struts out.
SHANIA TWAIN: Was it a success?
TERRANCE: Why don't you see for yourself?
He farts, then jumps up and down with glee.
SHANIA TWAIN: Oh, I'm so happy!
TERRANCE: As am I! My self-confidence is renewed. Now, I believe we have some unfinished business.
SHANIA TWAIN: That we do. It's off to America we go.
They go off to the border. PHILIP is still driving around in his hot dog car. TERRANCE and SHANIA TWAIN cross the border. Their bodies become American.
TERRANCE: Philip!
PHILIP gets out of the car, still wearing the Uncle Sam suit.
SHANIA TWAIN: Philip! What's happened to you?
TERRANCE: He's forgotten his Canadian heritage, that's what's wrong with him.
SHANIA TWAIN: Snap out of it!
She pours a bucket of water over his head.
PHILIP: Hi, Shania. Put 'er there!
He shakes her hand.
TERRANCE: We must proceed to Plan B.
They grab PHILIP and tie him up.
PHILIP: You can't do this to me! I'm an American citizen!
TERRANCE: This is for your own good.
SHANIA TWAIN: Let's get him back to Canada and deprogram him.
TERRANCE: Good idea. Philip, it's time for your deprogramming.
They carry him back over the border, turning back into Canadians.
In their house. PHILIP is tied to a chair, being deprogrammed by SHANIA TWAIN and TERRANCE.
TERRANCE: Now Philip, would you like to eat flapjacks, or Cheezy Poofs?
PHILIP: Cheezy Poofs!
TERRANCE: Damn, damn, damn! Philip, why are you so excruciatingly hard to deprogram?
SHANIA TWAIN: We have to keep working on it. Here, let me try.
She presses a button on a stereo. "O Canada" starts playing.
TERRANCE: Good idea!
TERRANCE starts to force-feed him beans.
PHILIP (singing): O Canada... our home and native land... no... no... Oh say, does that star spangled banner yet wave... with glowing hearts we see thee rise...
TERRANCE: I think it's working!
SHANIA TWAIN: Here, Philip. Have some Kroff Dinner flavoured poutine.
She gives him the poutine. He farts.
PHILIP: What the... Where am I?
TERRANCE: You're in Canada, Philip.
PHILIP: Oh, glorious Canada. It's great to be back.
They untie him.
PHILIP: Something feels unfinished.
TERRANCE: Yes, Slick Willie still controls our magnificent health care system.
PHILIP: What can we do? We can't go back into America -- our bodies are too weak to take such strain much longer.
SHANIA TWAIN: I have an idea.
TERRANCE: An idea?
SHANIA TWAIN: Yes! We must hit him with a taste of his own medicine! We must fire Kroff Dinner at him with the Canada Arm.
TERRANCE: That's not a taste of his own medicine. That's our medicine.
SHAINIA TWAIN: Oh yes. Shall we do it anyway?
PHILIP: Certainly.
He pulls a cel phone from his pocket and phones someone.
PHILIP: Hello? Yes, I have a favor to ask of you. You remember that secret weapon we put in the Canada Arm? Well, it's time to use it. We must fire it at Bill Clinton, and fast! Yes, thank you.
He hangs up.
TERRANCE: Who did you phone?
PHILIP: Let's just say that, as a world famous architect, I have friends in high places.
In a big, high-tech room. UGLY BOB sits at a computer, the paper bag on his head.
BOB: Boy, the things I do for Terrance and Philip.
He types something into the computer.
BOB: Ground zero: Slick Willie.
He presses another key.
A space shuttle, orbiting the earth. The Canada Arm emerges from it. The Arm reaches back into the hull and grabs a big, bomb-like thing, then throws it at America. As it goes through the atmosphere, its outer casing burns away, leaving a big, flying ball of Kroff Dinner.
On CLINTON, standing on the lawn in front of the White House. A shadow falls over him. He looks up.
CLINTON: Kroff Macaroni and Cheese! No!
The ball of Kroff Dinner falls on him, squishing him flat. TERRANCE runs up, grabs the Canadian health care system from his hand, and runs back across the border where he is met by PHILIP and SHANIA TWAIN.
TERRANCE: I did it!
SHANIA TWAIN: You did!
She kisses him.
PHILIP: I'm so glad that everything worked out for the better. I love Canada!
TERRANCE: We all do! Is this the greatest country in the world, or what?
"O Canada" starts to play.
SHANIA TWAIN (singing): O Canada...
TERRANCE and PHILIP join in.
TERRANCE, PHILIP and SHANIA TWAIN(singing): We really think you're grand...
UGLY BOB and CELINE DION enter, holding hands. They join in.
EVERYONE (singing): Kroff Dinner in a smelly wonderland...
BARKY and PURRY join in, as do various other Canadians.
EVERYONE (singing): With farting butts we see thee rise, the true North strong and free! O Canada, we stand on guard for thee!
Pull back. GREAT BIG SEA joins in.
GREAT BIG SEA (singing): Cod, cod, it's the perfect fish, fried or boiled, it's quite a dish, cod for me, cod for you, would you like to have some too?
Everyone simultaneously farts, and laughs their asses off. A Canadian flag appears, superimposed over everything. Fade slowly to black.
Caption: The End.
On the kids, sitting on CARTMAN's sofa.
STAN: Dude, that kicked ass!
KYLE: Whoa! Look at the TV!
On the TV. The screen dissolves into static, and then becomes the original time capsule video again, with STAN'S DAD sitting in a chair.
STAN'S DAD: And finally, Eric's real parents are Ms. Cartman and the...
Suddenly, a meteor smashes through the wall and hits the VCR, reducing it to dust. It then explodes.
CARTMAN: Aw, sh*BLEEP*t.
The End...