Caught for speeding
The cop got out of his car and the kid, that was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
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Stuck under a bridge
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
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The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, sir. You're obviously drunk"
The wasted wino asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
Obviously relieved, the wino said "That's a relief - I thought I was a cripple."
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The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture." The man said.
"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.
"My wife," said the man.
SOMETHING TO OFFEND DAMN-NEAR EVERYBODY
1. What's the Cuban national anthem?
Row, Row, Row Your Boat"
2. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
3. Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong."
4. What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the
other?
A speech impediment.
5. What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at
half-mast?
They're hiring.
6. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
Because they're not going to work in the future either.
7. What do you call an Arkansas farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp.
8. Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on
Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday! , the Sex Ed class uses it.
9. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage,
along with a recipe.
10. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
11. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern
fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."
12. My, my, how time have changed. Years ago...When 100 white men chased 1
black man, we called it the Ku Klux Klan; today they call it the PGA TOUR.
13. Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go
Women's REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished
to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control
for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV
remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come
shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."
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UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you
can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair
out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
UNHARMED ACCIDENT
A car sped off the highway, went through the guardrail, rolled down a cliff, bounced off a tree and finally shuddered to a stop. A passing motorist, who had witnessed the entire accident, helped the miraculously unharmed driver out of the wreck. "Good lord, mister," he gasped, "are you drunk?" "Of course," said the man, brushing the dirt from his suit. "What the hell do you think I am -- a fucking stunt driver?"
